Monday, June 25, 2012

Plan B

I chose to sleep in today because it's my last day of seven off before I head back to the hospital for my six on. I grabbed my bikini headed out to the beach with a blanket and a book and drove all the way out there only to turn around and go right back home. Just didn't have the motivation. The last fun thing we all did together before they left was the beach of course.

The summer is off to a rough start for me but a great one for my kids. Zephyrs baseball games, pool time, craft time, horseback riding camp, cousins, mimi and poppa, aunts and uncles loving and taking care of my babies three states away, whilst I am here, holding down this big lonely house all by myself going on day ten. Really, it is totally great that they are spending time with family in Louisiana. I am happy and love my family for all they do for us. I am so grateful that my parents are such amazing grandparents. I am though, not a very happy momma when my kids are so far away.

I went to a wedding reception this past weekend. The bride was the daughter of a friend from work. So, everyone got to meet Mr. Wonderful, my boyfriend. I had a few cocktails and vaguely recall saying in a conversation with a friend that I wasn't going to get married again, boldly. I also recall hearing my boyfriend say he wanted to get married before he turns 52. Which brings me to an earlier conversation he and I had the night before. He imagines himself dieing by his 52nd year. What kinda crap is that right. Scary crap, because at 40, he has a heart condition, a condition we've known about but rarely ever talk about. We rarely ever talk about anything like marriage or heart conditions or moving closer to one another. Still living separate lives three states away. We still only see each other every other week. All the people who I love dearly and who love me are three states away. They come for brief visits and sometimes take the kids and I have to be strong and say goodbye every time.

It was my choice to move here. I chose to bring my children closer to their dad, so that he and I could co-parent and raise our children with little dysfunction. I chose to put their relationship with their father as a high priority, above some of my own. I chose to start this new chapter of my life here in Florida. Difficult as it is most of the time, it was my choice.

Ironically, their dad was just deployed to Afghanistan for a year. I am reminded again, no matter what sacrifices I make great or small, no matter how hard I try, no matter what choices I make, sometimes life is hard. Things can go wrong.

For now I choose to keep pushing on, to register for more classes this fall and make the best of the rest of this summer. I choose to hold back tears and look forward to seeing Mr. Wonderful again in a week. At some point things will change. One way or another, life goes on and new choices are made.

There's always a Plan B.

 our last trip to the beach 
before they left for a visit 
with mimi and poppa

I miss them